How do I hold eye contact without forcing myself to communicate in a way that feels unnatural?
Someone reached out to me recently with this question (following this LinkedIn post). They're an introvert, but wouldn't call themselves shy. When they talk, they tend to look at the sky, or around the room, rather than at the person in front of them. Maintain eye contact and they lose their train of thought. What worried them was that it might sometimes be interpreted as dishonest or a lack of confidence, when really they were just trying to think clearly.
I recognised that straight away. If you watch my videos, I'm looking up and away from the camera half the time (the other half I'm probably looking for my next sentence). So instead of offering a “quick fix”, I asked three questions:
What external signals have you actually had that people read you as dishonest or unsure?
How do you know that that is the result of not necessarily maintaining eye contact?
How often is "sometimes": one conversation in ten, or one in a hundred?
There is a fourth question that sits underneath, that is absolutely crucial: Who is really passing this judgement of coming across dishonest and unsure? Your conversation partners? Or maybe… you?
The answer they found made my week (and inspired this article). They'd done conversation courses and followed a few communication coaches, and the advice was always the same: hold eye contact, look into the camera, that's how you look confident and genuine. But whenever they tried, they lost their thread. On camera, they concentrated better looking at their own face than at the lens.
The killer insight they had from my three prompts? They'd been judging themselves against what they'd been "taught", rather than against any evidence that someone had actually read them that way. The verdict had come from comparison with their own internal image of what a “confident speaker” looks like, based on generic communication advice.
I've spent plenty of time trying to implement this type of “confidence tricks” myself. And it's an easy trap, because the advice sounds so reasonable. Of course eye contact builds trust! It also takes effort, and that effort draws on the same brainpower you need for finding your next sentence. Especially if you start hyperfocusing on maintaining eye contact (I’ve been there): “Is this staring? Where do I actually look? Wait, what was I saying….?” Yeah, sounds like a great way to come across confidently! (You know when eye contact comes to me effortlessly? When I’m listening to the other person.)
So the answer to the title question is a wholehearted: you don’t. Coming across as confident is not just determined by whether or not you’re holding eye contact. Try to “fix” one thing, and you’re probably making the rest of you feel uncomfortable or stiffer. Is that a worthwhile trade to fit the “perfect mold”, if you’re already getting your message across? (I made my own life harder than necessary this way for years, so I’m asking this with love, not judgement.)
If you recognise this, try the four questions on yourself, and see who’s really the one passing judgment. Your conversation partners? Or maybe… you?
Yours in mind-bending, Kelly
P.S. Is there a piece of communication advice you've been following that has never quite fitted how your brain works? I'd love to hear it. The invitation to share is always open :)
